I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
