I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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