Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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