she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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