Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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