I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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