saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
