She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
