i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
