What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
