It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
