It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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