I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
