he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
