worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
