For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
