he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love you. Go after that dick
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
