The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
