i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
