Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
