your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
