I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
