Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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