Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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