You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
