At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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