i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
