totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
