When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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