just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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