sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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