Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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