god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
