I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
