Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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