I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
