I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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