You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
