Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
