I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
