"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
