When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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