My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
