Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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