you traded sex for a burrito?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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