it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
