I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
