The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
