Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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