when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
