i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
