I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
