i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
