I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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