If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
