after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
