i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
